Fear
by Ziven
Summary: Sequel to Scared. Tai decides to tell the other half of the story, beginning to end. Can he live with knowing that Yamato, his best friend, will never feel the way he does? oneshot, Yamachi


**Fear **

Hey guys…So Yamato says you guys wanna know the rest of the story. I guess…I'll start where he left off, then.

Well, first, let me make sure he's not here…

Yes. I was in love with Yamato. How could I not have been? As you fangirls of his already know (by the way, hint hint: keep away from my Yama-chan!), he's beautiful. And not just on the outside. He's got this cute, awkward way of caring for people, and he never hesitates to tell you how he feels, no matter whether you ask or not, mo matter the affect on anyone who hears it.

That's why I thought that being honest with him was the best way of going about it. I had kept my secret to myself for long enough, and it was eating me up inside.

When did I fall for Yamato? I've loved him for so long without letting on what I don't remember. Do you think that's sad?

I wanted to tell him before, but at the time, he had been going out with Sora. I wasn't going to break them up over something like that—Yamato would've hated me for the rest of my life. He would've told me that I was jealous. I can honestly tell you I wasn't; I just wanted to tell him. I wasn't going to try and make him love me. Maybe he and Sora had a decent chance.

Everyone always thought that I was jealous of Yamato, because he had Sora, because we used to go out.

In actuality, I told Sora on our first date, when she asked me out, that I didn't love her, and that my heart was someone else's. And, surprisingly, she didn't mind. But she was determined to figure out who it was. We went on more dates, sure, but it was more as friends than anything. And we still fought a lot, like we used so, so everyone just though that our "relationship" was smooth sailing. So did I, in a different way.

At least, that was until she started to fall for Yamato. I could see it in her eyes, and her face would spark up whenever he was around. I knew the feelings, the actions so well. But she never said anything to me. We had become really close, and felt…like we could tell each other anything.

So, just to help her out a little, I told her that I knew she liked him. She was in shock, and I told her it would okay if they…went out. I really meant that, too; I knew I would never have him.

Before we went to our apartments that night, Sora winked at me and said, "I'm breaking up with you, Tai!" and I nodded with a smile.

It was then, after they got together, that Sora noticed _my_ glances, how _my_ face lit up when he was there, but remained impassive when they were together. She noticed it, and pulled me aside one day. At first, she thought it was because I felt like I was being replaced—but in _his_ heart, not hers, though she didn't know at the time—and when I told her that nothing was wrong, she asked me to tell her because she didn't want to see me hurt the way that I was.

I sighed, and I told her that I loved Yamato. Again, like before, she was shocked, but I told her I wanted her and Yamato to be happy. I wanted to be because I knew I wouldn't have him anyway.

That was when that familiar flame appeared in her eyes, and she told me, without hesitating, that somewhere Yamato loved me, too, and that she would beat it out of him if she had to. She promised, she swore that before it was all over, he would love me. I didn't really believe her, but all the same, that glimmer of hope rose within me whenever I saw her.

At least, that was before I told him that I loved him. That had been Sora's idea as well as mine, and I took the chance because I was tired of carrying it, the secret. Sora thought, believed that even if he didn't like, now, he should at least know about_ my_ feelings.

But I never would have though that he would say those things tome. I never though he would push me away from him. I wanted him to say something, anything, after that. Be careful what you wish for…

"Yamato…" I whispered to break the silence, as if saying his name would make him understand.

"Why are you telling me this _now?_!" he yelled suddenly, and I looked down. "Of all of the times you could've said that you were a goddamn fruitcake, you choose now?"

I cringed. He really hated me. And suddenly, I couldn't take it anymore. And I realized that I had exchanged the burden of my secret for something much heavier; the burden of knowing that he hated me.

"Yamato…" I said again, as if it would do some good, and ran. I couldn't watch him anymore, with that look of disgust on his face. I ran from him.

Then I didn't see him for a while. Well, no one did, except Takeru. And all that he told us was that Yamato was doing a lot of over time on his music at the studio he used. Naturally, not seeing him for such a long time worried me, and everyone else, too. Sora already knew by then what had happened when I confessed to him, and she was mad as hell. I told her it wasn't his fault, and that he had taken their breakup pretty badly, after all, but she ignored me. She had a tendency to ignore people when she felt like kicking ass.

And when he came back, the day after Sora and I had explained the situation to Daisuke and Ken—she thought it would be nice to ask them for advice—and they told Sora to butt out of it and let it work itself out. But that time, I thought it a pretty good idea. But of course, Sora is Sora, and she wasn't backing down. Not a bit..

"I started this, dammit!" she said, "I'm gonna finish it! I'm going to make this right!"

I didn't think it was her fault. I really didn't. If I had told Yamato instead of keeping it a secret in the first place, this would have never happened."

So, when Yamato finally returned, not only did Sora hate him, Daisuke and Ken weren't that glad to see him, either. We ate pizza that day, like always, and the general tension decreased.

Then we played soccer! It was pretty fun, besides Sora deliberately kicking the ball at Yamato. I appreciate the sentiment, but it wasn't necessary to hurt him. I did still love him, after all. My feelings for him hadn't changed at all.

And I almost fainted when she told Yamato to drive her home. But she sent me a glare that said, _Stay out of this_, and I obeyed.

I honestly don't know what Sora did or said to him, since she still won't tell me, but when I got home—late than Yamato because I dropped off some of the others at their homes—he was waiting for me with an apology. I was surprised to see him there; I would've thought he would stay as far from me as possible.

"Look, Tai," he said, "I just wanted to tell you that I was jerk the other day; I'm sorry." He paused, then continued. "I didn't have to do that. I was just…upset about some things, and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have done it. You didn't deserve it."

I smiled a sad smile. We could always be friends, but it wouldn't be the same and we both knew it. He would always be watching me, making sure he did nothing to provoke me. I wanted to cry. Apology or not, I'd lost my best friend.

"I didn't exactly tell you at the best time, did I? I don't blame you," I said. "I was expecting it." After that, I wanted to be alone. No, in fact, I wanted Sora there, so that I could tell her how horrible I felt saying those words.

There was a pretty long silence before Yamato decided to leave. "Thanks for not kicking me out," he said while walking to the door. I wanted to stop him, to tell him that he didn't have to be afraid, but I didn't. I let him go because for him to say something else would've been to screw up the stability we'd reached. The stability I know he had to work past some issues with himself to reach. I wasn't going to take that from him.

After he left, I sighed. I would have to find a way to get past this. I would have to, even though I couldn't live without him.

It took a while, though. You know, for us to start hanging out again. It wasn't bad; he wasn't avoiding me. It was almost…like we both knew the answer to such a question would be no.

So instead, I hung out with Sora, whom I was glad decided that her, "work was done." It was pretty good what we had, so I didn't want anything to jeopardize the situation further by her deciding suddenly to do something or enact some great plan to get Yamato to fall in love with me. I beat her in soccer on the weekends, and after hanging out with the gang after school, she'd kick my ass playing videogames at my house (she was always better than everyone but Koushiro)

One day, she asked me, "Has anything happened between you and Yamato?"

I sighed, and concentrated harder on the homework that I was doing. I didn't answer her.

"Oh, come on, Tai, I deserve an answer."

I looked up. "Do you really?"

"That was cold, Tai. You really hurt me."

"No," I said with a smile. "If I hurt you, you would've kicked my ass."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"Because maybe everyone knows that it's true?"

She paused. "Stop changing the subject!"

"Look, Sora. We're friends again and that's all I want right now. I don't need anything else. I'm fine."

"But you still love him, don't you?"

"I find that I do. But I'm okay. It's better to have a friend you love than to be alone." I could see that she was really worried about me. But I would be fine. Besides, I survived that way for years before he even knew about my crush.

"Okay, Tai…Stupid Yamato," she said finally, and I was surprised that my name was not in that sentence, since she used to say it to me so often.

Then my cell phone rang, and I was surprised to find that it was Yamato. Today was just a jack-in-the-box, ne?

"Hello?" I answered cheerfully.

"Tai? I'm at the studio. I need you to tell me what you think about this track. I think my guitar might be off key, but then again—"

"You always say you're off key. I know," I said.

"Exactly. Are you free now? 'Cause you can do it some other time, if you want. I mean—"

"No, I'm not busy, Yamato," I said, so that Sora knew that I was leaving to see him. She gave me a thumbs up, so I rose to leave. "I'm on my way."

I should've said no; I could tell from how he was talking that he was nervous about being around me by himself. But hell, maybe he would finally give me a chance to be his friend again, if I didn't blow it. I wouldn't ruin this.

Of course, I didn't realize how much more different it would be than I thought.

First of all, the studio was crowded with a bunch of Yama-chan's instruments, so we were packed in close together. He was obviously doing some serious recording.

So, I listened to the track as a whole, then the music by itself, then the vocal by themselves. It was really good, and the few fault I suspected were easily fixed by the editing phase. It took a while, though; he asked me to help pack up, and like I said, there were a lot of instruments. They managed to all fit into his red convertible. Somehow. He must've reached some sort of equilibrium about my presence, though, because he took his shirt off when he began moving things.

Did I ever mention that Yamato has a beautiful chest? He does. He really, really does.

Was he doing this on purpose or what? But I held my resolve. We took the stuff to his apartment (I don't know how he fits all that stuff in his room and still lives in it) and packed it away.

"Do you want to get a drink or something with me?" He asked.

Wrong question. Number One: I don't drink. Two: when he does, he creeps me out just a little.

"Sure," I said, just because it was Yamato asking. "But I don't drink," I added.

"We'll find you something," he said with a laugh. I could tell he was trying to establish our friendship even more by asking me out. He was trying to make things the way they had been before. And I was in love with him…so I went along with it.

(scene shift)

Yep. You guessed it. Yamato got as drunk as a bum, and I ended up being the only sober man in the place.

"Yamato…maybe you should go home now."

"What? Taichi…" he whined. "I don't want to go…I'm having so much fun, whoo hoo!"

"Shh! Yamato! Do you even know how many drinks you've had?"

"More'n'three…I think," he said, then hiccupped and laughed.

"We're leaving," I grabbed his arm and began to pull him away from the bar and to the door.

"Taichi…" God, he sounded so easy right then. As I put him in my car (I'd driven us there—since I knew that this would happen) I considered kissing him.

_He wouldn't remember it, right? Just this one, goddamn time, could I have what I want?_

_No, I can't._

I shook my head, and started up the car. They say that heroes and do-gooders lead the saddest lives. Obviously, it was turning out to be true for me.

By the time we reached the apartment, Yamato was asleep, and he'd stopped all the whining. I reached somewhere in me and smiled. Yamato was the only one I knew who was cute when he was drunk. He was so needy; it really kinda turned me on, to be honest…

I sighed again before beginning to drag him up to his apartment. Yamato woke up when we began to go up the stairs, confused as to where he was, and I was glad that Takeru opened the door when we finally made it up to his apartment. I was then allowed to appreciate Yamato's father working nights.

"I've got him, Taichi; thanks," Takeru said.

"Nooo…" Yamato whined. "I wanna stay with Taichi…we had fun…" the way he stretched out my name was so cute! I was tempted to shout 'kawaii!' He pulled my arm. "Don't make me go Taichi!"

Takeru laughed ad told him to whisper.

Instead, he clung to my arm and yelled. "I'm not leaving Taichi! He's my friend Takeru…!"

I shushed him. "I'm not going anywhere," I looked at Takeru, who rolled his eyes and stood aside so that we could both come in.

"Taichi," Takeru said, "how much did you let him drink?"

"Honestly, I wasn't really paying attention until he started blubbering incoherent words. He says—" Yamato began pulling on my arm impatiently, like a child. "—yes, Yamato, I know you're there—he says, Takeru, that he had more than three. Not good."

Takeru chuckled. "But you have to admit, he's cute when he's drunk."

I nodded and winked with a smile. "I'd drink to that."

"Yamato," Takeru asked, "Don't you feel tired?"

I knew that he was trying to help me out.

"Yes!" he exclaimed. "Taichi, come sleep with me!"

My smile vanished. I glanced at Takeru with a raised eyebrow.

He smiled. "Come on, Tai; you know you want to."

I smiled back. "Ha, don't tempt me."

"Someone already is…"

I rolled my eyes now. "Fine. Yamato, I'll sleep next to you," I said, clearly defining to myself what I was going to do. Takeru sighed.

"I'll get out a blanket. See if he'll let you go."

Then, suddenly, I was alone in an empty room with a drunk Yamato.

"Let go," I said sternly. "Let go of my arm, Yamato."

Yamato shook his head. "No," he said fiercely. "I'm not losing you."

_Oookay…weird._

"You're my friend, " he continued. "We're like brothers. I trust you. Don't you trust me, Tai?"

Was that the beer talking, or was he aware of what he was telling me?

_I trust you. Don't you trust me, Tai?_

"Of course I trust you, Yamato," I said truthfully.

"Really?" Yamato said as Takeru returned with pillows and blankets. With Yamato's room so cluttered, we would have to sleep on the floor of the living room. "That makes me happy!"

"Great," Takeru said. "Now we al feel the same way." He dropped the blankets and pillows onto the floor. "I'm going to bed now. You know, in my room, where I sleep? Taichi, don't molest my brother." Then he mouthed to me, _Seriously, I don't care what you do. Just don't wake me up…_Then he winked. Once again, I rolled my eyes, this time combined with a not-so-nice finger. Takeru feigned shock as he entered his room and closed the door.

And it was then that I realized that Yamato was no longer clenching my arm. Then I looked down to see Yamato already curled into a blanket, head resting on a pillow. _Well damn. Start the party without me._

I thought he had fallen asleep right away; the drunk usually do (I know from Daisuke), so I figured I'd just go home. He'd never remember this in the morning anyway, and things would be even more confusing if he woke up next to me.

But I was walking past him when I heard a hiccup and, "Taichi…you're 'sposed to stay."

_Dammit! Stop playing with me!_ There was no way out of this. So, I straightened out a sheet and pillow and lay down next to him, putting a little more space between us than necessary.

"Good, Tai…" Yamato said tiredly. "I don't remember why, Taichi, but I'm so tired."

I laughed. "Then sleep."

"But you might try to leave again…"

"I won't leave, I promise." I paused. "Don't you trust me?"

There was silence. Then I heard, "…Taichi…" as he drifted off to sleep.

I had planned on leaving anyway, even though I promised, but somehow, watching him, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

_I trust you. Don't you trust me, Tai?_

(scene shift)

When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I did was look around. As I had expected, he wasn't there. I was hoping that he wasn't so caught up in imagining what could've happened the night before to the point where he threw himself off of the building.

When he finally appeared, a toothbrush in his mouth and a towel around his shoulders, the first thing I said was, "Nothing happened, I swear."

He gave me a confused look, then laughed, held up a finger, and went back into the bathroom. When he returned, there was not toothbrush.

He laughed again. "I _know_ nothing happened. I'd give you more credit than that, Tai."

I blinked. "Do you remember any of it?"

_I trust you…_

"A little. Mainly you dragging me back here. Wait…_did_ something happen?"

I shook my head sadly._ No, nothing happened. I'm in love with you and you don't care about me. Believe me, nothing happened. My heart is slowly breaking, but nothing happened._

"You're lying," he said. "I can tell by the look on your face."

"I'm not. Really."

"Did I say something mean? You look like you're about to cry."

I blinked again, and realized that I was. I was holding back tears.

_I trust you…_

"Taichi? Are you okay?" a concerned Yamato asked.

I decided to keep being honest. "No, I'm not okay. But I will be, if you just give me a second." I could recompose myself. I could become friendly Tai again…couldn't I?

"I did do something, didn't I? Taichi, what did I do?"

"Nothing." It was the truth. It was the fact that he did nothing that was killing me.

Our eyes met, and in that instant, he knew. In that one moment, he could tell what it was; he looked away from me.

"I'm—I shouldn't have gotten drunk, Taichi," he said, as if my love would've been stopped had yesterday not have happened.

I shook my head. "You didn't do anything." I was just about to rise to go home, when instead, he knelt down beside me.

"Taichi…" he said. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know you cared so much…"

I shook my head again, as if it would make it all go away. "Nothing," I repeated. "You didn't do anything." I cared_ too_ much. I loved him too much.

"Taichi…" he sighed. "You try too hard…"

And then, suddenly, he was pressing his lips to mine for a soft kiss.

_Was he still drunk?_

It became harder and harder to convince myself of that as he put his arms around my neck and pulled me closer.

_Maybe I was dreaming._

If I was, I didn't want to wake up.

I fell into the kiss, still holding back my tears even as his tongue grazed over my lips. No sooner had I opened my mouth then he pulled away.

_Tease,_ was the first thought of my lust-filled mind, above all things.

He looked at me as if expecting a comment. After I didn't comply, he took a breath andsaid, "Taichi…I love you, too."

_I trust you. Do you trust me, Tai?_

Yes.

* * *

Obviously, I decided to go with making them separate stories... 

So, what do you think? I like this one best out of the two, simply because Tai doesn't beat himself up over it, and because he loves Yama-chan, his side is more romantic.

Yes, I know that Yamato's reasoning for his actions are not clarified. I did that on purpose. I wanted to leave it open, because any number of things could have happened to Yama-chan, though Tai wouldn't actually know. I wanted it to be in between obvious and puzzling, but I don't know if I got my desired affect.

Overall, I hope that you enjoyed it. I thought it was sort of sweet.

"I will return, for I am the darkness…"


End file.
